If you must steal the National Cake, then steal enough.
Do not steal a piece of cake that weighs less than Thirteen Billion Pounds. I can’t be bothered with the metric conversion to kilograms so pounds will have to do. Yes, I know we were colonized by the British but I am giving these stealing tips in my newly-acquired American accent, so pounds is quite apt.
Please forgive me for being behind the times, I hear “Stealing is no longer Corruption”. Perhaps, I should reword my sound advice- Do not “take” a piece of cake that weighs less than Thirteen Billion Pounds. Yes Billion, you heard me right. Millions is so mediocre, it even sounds like Minions – funny, right? Always remember that you are special and have nothing in common with the masses, those laughable minions, pitiful slaves of Nine-to-Fives.
Make it worth your while o, anything less than 13,000,000,000 lbs. would be so embarrassing. You mean it crossed your mind to eat less cake simply because you are worried about your expanding waistline? How vain! And you are also worried about dental cavities? How unambitious! Enough of that sanctimonious burst of conscience, go hard or go home!
Look, you must stop thinking of yourself alone, that is so inconsiderate to your unborn generation, your children’s children’s children and the children’s children after them.
Surely you don’t want them globe-trotting aboard common steel private jets, you must adopt a visionary mindset, for the order of the day in the Year 2300 AD would be supersonic jet capsules made of pure platinum. The elite would even have exclusive limited edition private spaceships fashioned out of tonnes of precious Kryptonite, enough to make Superman quake in his fancy red boots.
Bear in mind that you would be the proud patriarch or matriarch of an enviable lineage of silver-spooners. The Never-Have-To-Work-A-Day-In-My-Life breed. Wouldn’t you like that?
See, there would be no point keeping up with the Joneses, those mere earthlings. Think big! Think out of this world! With your delicious piece of cake, you could buy a mansion on Mars for yourself and another on Venus for Madam or Oga, the kids would just have to make do with one on Pluto (being the smallest planet and all). I’ve been told that Aliens are the best house-helps, they clean and scrub tirelessly. Very loyal too- those extraterrestrials.
They say Money can’t buy Life. Doubting Thomas’s! Aaargh! The myopic never cease to bore me with their pessimism. I assure you that with your Thirteen Billion lbs. heavy piece of cake, you could commission scientists to develop the elixir of eternal life, build them a secret laboratory in your basement and lock them in it. You know scientists are sometimes eccentric, they wouldn’t mind the captivity at all.
You’d then live for all eternity to enjoy all your worldly possessions. Mwahahaha!
Never mind ordinary people and their beef for prosperity, they like to scoff when they see your bright and shiny new toys, with the corners of their lips turned downwards they say “Money can’t buy Happiness”. Tsk tsk, how ludicrous! With that much yummy cake you’d be able to pay to be cloned so that all 250 versions of your (im)mortal body would be able to sleep at the same time in all the 50 beds in each of the 50 houses owned by you all around the world.
Ah! Imagine being able to feel the cool sensation of that exquisite waterbed inside the Villa in Marbella and the warmth from the heated bed on the Private island in Casablanca. Both at the same time! How divine! In fact, Happiness wouldn’t even begin to describe the feeling, Heavenly bliss comes close.
Secondly and more importantly, if you must steal the National Cake, then steal, I meant to say take, with a cunning expertise so impressive that even if caught, the prosecutors would shake their heads in awed admiration and high-five you. They’d then confer huddled together and in hushed whispers conclude that it would be oh! so unfair to punish you. You’d be too blessed to be stressed! Somebody shout Halleluya!
After all it is cake, national or not, and cake has always been so tempting, abi? 🙂