Hoping for Hope


I was seventeen when I wrote my first poem “A Suicide Note”.  In that sad way that one leaves behind bits of themselves in the whirlwind of moving houses or cities, it got forgotten, not unfastened from my wardrobe door.  Like memories, possessions too get caught in the haze of transitions.

Still, I remember most of it exactly as it was first written-

You call this suicide?

You may call it self-murder or perhaps an act of cowardice

Whatever you choose to call it, it has freed me from the bondage of life

I was like a prisoner trapped in this house of flesh

I flee from this world of sorrow, pain and hardship

A spirit free to wander

Do not cry for me, do not mourn for me

Rather rejoice with me

For I am now at liberty.

Teenage years are supposedly The Wonder Years, at the time, I somewhat romanticised the ifs and whys of suicide.

Back then, I didn’t have a personal computer and would give my short stories to my mother to type for me, then store the neatly typed sheets in a flat file.  She didn’t look closely at the content of my handwritten poem when she placed it in her handbag before leaving hurriedly for work one morning, and chose her words carefully when she returned home in the evening.

“Well-written poem” she smiled, handing me the crisp, printed A4 sheet “but I hope you are not planning to commit suicide?”.  I wasn’t, my pen had simply captured my musings.

One day, my aunty stumbled upon this poem, “Liberty? What sort of liberty is that?” She wondered laughing.  To her, suicide was akin to a pyrrhic victory, one had escaped from their earthly battles only to find themselves facing judgement in the Celestial Court of the Afterlife.

Recently during office banter, a colleague concluded that a person who commits suicide is a coward.  I refused to accept that that one word was sufficient to describe the feelings of hopelessness that make death seem far more appealing than life.

He argued that regardless of the situation, one had to keep trying.

I was asked to think of any situation in my life that would prompt me to want to end it. I thought carefully, finally I told him that nothing came to mind because truthfully, my life seemed fine and dandy at that moment.

Morbid as it sounds, I am currently in that blissful state between tragedies, because the way I see it, the scenes in our lives are either comic or tragic.  While the two do not necessarily follow each other side-by-side, one manages to place its feet squarely in the footprints of the other.

Well, I respected his resolute stance, I understood that it came from a place of unwavering hope. Or did it come from a place of unscathed comfort? Perhaps he hadn’t ever been pushed to that dense place of nothingness and simply couldn’t comprehend how death could be the preferred option.

Hope is a powerful thing, but is optimism sometimes taken for granted?

One can only feel the oversized fufu lump straining the gullet when it passes through their own lips. Mindfully, I’m learning to abstain from the absolute judgement of journeys that I haven’t travelled.  My own feet are not blistered from walking the suicidal mile.

Yet, I understand quite acutely the dark hole that is hopelessness and how it can taunt a person as it obliterates their sun.  I know the fear that things may never get better is only too real, I don’t believe that needing that fear to end is unbrave.



    1. Hi ifunaya,

      Teenage years are full of raging hormones, angst and confusion. Most people go through these dark times, for some, they find light in the clarity that adulthood brings.

      Thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂


  1. This is very deep. I think some people are relentless optimists and cannot understand how suicide can be an option. “A living dog is better than a dead lion” they chant. Unfortunately, they don’t understand that some people will never be satisfied with living as a “dog” if that makes any sense. I hope I never encounter what will make me reconsider my optimistic perspective.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Mariam,

      I enjoyed the analogy that you used here. 🙂

      I agree with you, optimism in itself is positive, but it sometimes clouds people’s judgement and provides a basis for unfair criticism.

      Likewise, I hope nothing tests my resolve so severely.

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Enjoy the rest of the week.


    1. Hi Yvonne,

      I agree with you, life has its ups and downs, it’s rarely smooth sailing. The good times makes us more appreciative of the not-so-good times. We live, we learn.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🙂

      Have a lovely week.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Nedoux, I have been searching for a blog since you dropped a comment some months back but I totally forgot the blog name. Won’t forget this time around and I will keep visiting.
    Thank God I found you again.

    Great blog too btw

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Precious,

      I am glad that this resonates with you. Over the course of our lives we will fall into valleys and climb hills, sometimes we’ll simply just walk along the plain flatlands. It kinda makes the journey more interesting, more human…

      I agree with you “Faith, Hope and Love” make the journey more bearable. 🙂

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!


  3. Hey Nedu,

    Sigh. A lot of people definitely need to be educated on what depression is. Some Nigerians tend to take it for granted and/or misunderstand it completely, and that’s why conclusions like cowardice from resulting suicides come about.

    Thanks for sharing dear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ify,

      I agree with you, some people prefer to ignore deep matters that make them slightly uncomfortable, it becomes easier to push such issues out of their comfort zone when they assume that they are immune to it.

      Thank you so much for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week. 🙂


  4. This is a well written post. Thank you for sharing. I remember I first contemplated suicide when I was about 15. When I look back now, I know my reasons back then were valid but I am happy I got out of that dark place.
    And I’m glad there are people like you that don’t judge why one would choose the option of suicide instead of fighting. Like you said, we all aren’t built the same.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi KayCee,

      Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words.

      I admire your openness and I’m glad that you got out of that dark place. Some reasons remain valid irrespective of the passage of time, and there are other reasons that become somewhat laughable to us, in retrospect. Older and wiser… 🙂

      The way I see it, absolute judgement without experience can be quite half-baked especially with an issue as sensitive as suicide. Sometimes, compassion is more effective than criticism.

      Have a lovely week.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Suicide is such a taboo topic for me? My mind refuses to think it, for some reason I can’t tell. But like you, I’ve also wondered the why’s and what if’s of suicide..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean, because of how complex the underlying factors are, some find it easier to place it at the back of their minds. Still, it remains a stark reality for others who struggle with emotional battles.

      Wonderings & wanderings are good, they help us understand better.

      Thank you for chipping in. 🙂


  6. …. sometimes i think it’s the ones who get left behind who feel the betrayal of someone committing suicide, and lash out by calling it an act of cowardice, because they feel a guilt at not having been able to see the signs and thus intervene in time.
    one state of a mind is a fragile affair indeed and you can never truly know what another being is going through, it’s like a clown with a painted smile but beneath they a battling a darkness, I can’t possibly think of a set of circumstances that would lead me down a path of self termination, but I won’t quickly dismiss one does as being a coward, they just reached their breaking point and no one could ease their burden…. mental health and depression are a real struggle.

    thanks for sharing

    PS you must have given your mum quite the shock with that poem they. probably paid you extra attention just to make sure…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Beaton ( I like your name)

      I once watched a TEDx talk given by a woman whose husband and sister committed suicide, she explained the tremendous guilt that she felt as she blamed herself somewhat. During her healing process, she didn’t put any blame on the relatives who’d passed on.

      I suppose you are right to an extent, some who are left behind might find closure by explaining the incidence with “cowardice”.

      @ “like a clown with a painted smile but beneath they a battling a darkness” is an apt description. The factors that trigger suicide are more complex than some choose to believe.

      Ah, I still laugh whenever I recall that conversation with my mum. Lol

      Thank you so much for stopping by. 🙂

      Have a lovely week.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks ( I got it from my mum…The Name but please call me B all my friends do ♥♥♥♥
        You are absolutely right it is not a clear cut black and white issue, its all shades of grey.
        Have an awesome week too☺


  7. Hmmm …

    A thought provoking post Nedoux.

    I won’t call all suicide victims cowards, but i would say that they have lost hope in themselves.
    Hope in their abilities to rebuild or recover what they feel is lost: reputation, pride, love etc
    Hopes built on false beliefs and goals rather than reality.

    And once hopelessness sets in and grinds one to a halt, it takes a strong spirit and some time to shake it off.

    It takes hope in God not to skid over the brinks of hopelessness. And the believe that we’re mentally more resilient than others (which I think is relatively true) does us another disservice as it makes us comfortable with just surviving rather than excelling.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with you, the term “Coward” is a rather lazy approach for explaining its complexities. Yes, hopelessness takes on many dimensions.

      Indeed, it takes the grace of God and sometimes the understanding of others to get through tough times.

      I really love the angle that you’ve explored here – @ “The believe that we’re mentally more resilient than others does us another disservice as it makes us comfortable with just surviving rather than excelling”

      Complacence does set it when we gauge our supposed strengths in comparison to others based on our own biased yardsticks and assume that we are safe. That one seems strong today doesn’t mean life won’t bring bigger challenges tomorrow that might test their resolve.

      Thank you so much for giving me food for thought, I sincerely enjoyed reading your comment. 🙂

      Warm regards.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hon, I’ve misssssed your writing! Wow, this topic packs a punch…I love the line, ‘it has freed me from the bondage of life’…I cant believe you wrote this at 17 and weren’t actually going through the motions. I have to say, I can understand some elements of what makes a person think that ending one’s life is the solution…I imagine it takes a certain character to do it…I definitely think its more than a cowardly act, that downplays a lot of other important factors like Depression…not everyone is strong enough to deal with carrying this dark cloud above their heads day in and day out, the meds may help but that cloud is still there…so much to discuss here but I’ll leave it at that.
    Hope you’re well Nedu ( :
    Ps your mum handled discovering your poem very well, with my ma a family meeting would have been held that evening with my Ma at the helm on her knees weeping for my deliverance.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Biki,

      Ah, you are hilarious, the mental image of the family meeting really cracked me up. XD

      I had a restless mind at 17, I actually gave the poem to my mum to help me type and print, I can only imagine what would have gone through her mind as the typing progressed. Lol

      Indeed, everyone has coping mechanisms for dealing with their dark clouds, while I don’t understand all of the ingredients that trigger suicide, I’m certain that “cowardly” does not suffice.

      You are so right, it unfairly downplays the more important factors which may or may not include depression.

      I am fine o, I trust that you are doing well. Thank you so much for stopping by, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your comment.

      Have a lovely rest-of-the-week.

      PS: I miss your blog.


    1. Hi Dami,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Hardly inspirational, more like the musings of a restless mind. 😀

      You are so right. Fears, doubts, loneliness set in when the future seems unclear especially when one feels like there’s no assurance that their situation would improve.

      Indeed, for some, it’s only in the mind but for others it becomes even more real, like a living breathing thing that they carry on their backs daily. In a way, a more supportive society would help make emotional burdens easier to carry.

      Enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. My very first time here and this piece struck me because I’ve dealt with depression before which almost ruined my life. But thank God for hope! People go through a whole lot in their minds, and because of the common misconception that Africans are somewhat immune to mental issues makes it worse. I just try my best to live my life one day at a time because tomorrow isn’t promised after all, so why worry so much about it. Thanks for sharing. And your blog is really awesome.😊


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Evita,

      Thank you so much for stopping by and for your kind words. 🙂

      Life has both bright and dark phases, I am so glad that you found reasons to be hopeful and walked out of the difficult phase.

      That misconception of immunity to mental illness is so laughable, I agree with you, it’s this false belief that causes denial such that society fails to give the support needed by a person suffering from emotional pain.

      I admire your positive resolve. Yes, “one day at a time” sounds great, best to deal with life little by little.

      Have a super week!


  10. As always Nedoux, you have delivered a box of wisdom in one post.

    So a person defies the human being’s natural ability of self preservation and anyone calls that weak? Looks more to me like a show of abundant strength and courage.

    I also do not think it is hopelessness that makes a person demonstrate this kind of strength. Maybe because I do not think of suicide as using the exit. To me, and like someone once said, it is the need to fix a crisis situation the way a person knows how/finds workable. Much like a person who jumps out of the window of the 3rd floor of a burning building, they know it’ll have consequences but take the decision anyway.

    The human being is complex and so are our choices. Plus, we all have different thresholds for pain.

    Like you, I know that I may never fully understand the reason for suicide but I pray daily that God teaches us the depth of love (for ourselves and others) that overshadows any kind of pain and helps the quality of our choices.

    And you Nedoux, you wrote that poem at 17? This depth in your person that I so very much admire don tey!

    Much Love…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Flo,

      I look forward to your comments because you always dissect the topic with clinical precision that I always learn from. Thank you! 😀

      Spot on! Self-harm falls outside the sphere of our self-preservations instincts, so when one is pushed to that point where death seems like the better option, I am certain that it takes something much bigger than weakness to do it.

      Oh, I like the perspective within this- “It is the need to fix a crisis situation the way a person knows how/finds workable” I’m reminded of the people who chose to jump out of the windows of the 9/11 twin towers rather than wait for the building to crumble, either way would have caused their death.

      There’s a unique strength in making a resolute choice when both options seem just as hard as the other.

      I find that hopelessness comes from a feeling of powerlessness which fuels the desperation or even frustration that then drives the willpower to take charge and make the pain/suffering end.

      Power within powerlessness is quite the irony, for some people this willpower makes them persevere. We pray for the grace to persevere till hope finds us.

      Indeed, there are different thresholds for pain, so it would be unfair to measure other people based on our own individual limits.

      Ah, the restless mind of a seventeen year old, thank you so much.

      Enjoy the rest of the week!


  11. Where do I start my comment from?
    I like how you gave a birds eye view on the topic, showing us things we’d have glossed over.
    Someone mentioned the resilience of Nigerians and how suicide was not a Nigerian thing, I do not think it true. We come from a country where you cannot get accurate data on our population, how much more suicide cases.
    I reread Things Fall Apart recently and it struck me that there was a protocol for burying the man or woman who committed suicide, even back then… It wasn’t so uncommon.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Adaeze,

      I don’t think so either. The false belief that it’s a foreign concept to Nigerians is denial as its best, as though suicide is incapable of defying immigration laws, travel visa be damned! 😀

      Indeed, wasn’t so uncommon even back then. I remember that protocol in Things Fall Apart, it was done the same in Elechi Amadi’s The Concubine when one of the characters took his life.

      Clearly, one thing we have in common regardless of geography or time is our humanity. Thus, pain is pain is pain.

      Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. Have a lovely weekend.


      1. Oh my goodness The Concubine! My favourite African book from my teens.

        I agree, “cowardice” is just not the word. I think it takes immense courage to walk headfirst into that permanent end. Still, it is not the kind of courage we want. The mind can get sick just as the body can. The same way the body can shut down vital organs when it is sick, the mind can shut down hope and will. In either case, it is a disaster.
        We just pray we can say or do something that will be the right medicine to get someone started on the road to healing before it is too late.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hi Sandra,

          Oh, me too! It’s one of my all-time favourite books, the story never gets old. 🙂

          Indeed, it would seem like an irony but it does take significant amount of strength to make that decision.

          I agree with you, the mind can be just as ill as the body, but I’ve learned that mental illness is not always the causal factor behind suicide. Not every suicidal person is mentally ill and not every mentally ill person is suicidal.

          Yes, it’s my prayer that anyone walking down that dark and lonely path finds reason to hang on, an option that trumps that decision to leave.

          Thank you so much for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week.


  12. Suicide is not a decision that comes easily to the victim. The person must have reached the pits of despondency of nightmarish proportions. It must be torturous for anyone who chooses to end their life than to continue to endure whatever their hopeless state is. Its not a state of mind to be romanticised or made light of. Most teenage suicide victims feel that they cant talk to anyone hence the withdraw and fantasize until they take such drastic decision.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Jackie,

      I agree with you, “Torturous” is so apt, which is why I don’t accept that ‘weak’ or ‘cowardly’ should be used in explaining the desperate need for that torture to end. I’ve learned that people sometimes criticise when they do not understand.

      Human beings are naturally wired with instincts for self-preservation, so it must take utter despair for one to cross that divide, such that death seems preferable to living.

      Thank you so much for sharing your insightful thoughts. 🙂

      Enjoy the rest of the week.


  13. Suicidal thoughts or the act itself isn’t unbrave. I’ve at some point in my life crossed that path even though I do think I’m such a resilient person but truth is, maybe I haven’t known what my life was worth then but now that I know better, ending it will be my last thought.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Nkem,

      I am so glad that you overcame that point in your life. I think that hope gives us reason to persevere even when our resilience is tested by our circumstance.

      Some people find it hard to admit that they have suicidal thoughts because of the fear of criticism. Sadly, for some, when hope seems elusive the pain becomes unbearable especially when no respite is in sight.

      Thank you so much for sharing your own experience, best wishes for the rest of the week. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Timeka,

      I absolutely love your point of view. Indeed, there’s a thin line between both. We all have our internal struggles, no one is immune from life’s challenges. We pray for the grace to get by.

      Thank you for sharing your inspiring words. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Times when I think of life and all its vanities, I’m always like ‘what’s more to this life? If death is a common destination, is going earlier not better?’ Then your aunt’s train of thoughts hits me and I remember I don’t even own my life.
    This post ignites one to make conscious efforts to make life bearable for people around. How much the exterior life conceals!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Michelle,

      @” … to make conscious efforts to make life bearable for people around.” Such wonderful words of wisdom! I agree with you 100%, life is hard already, much better to it make a little easier for the next person in our little way. 🙂

      Indeed, we hope to achieve our life’s purpose during our time on earth. Yes, sometimes the exterior is not a good indicator of inside, especially when battles are raging within.

      I really enjoyed reading your comment, thank you so much for stopping by.

      Enjoy the rest of the week!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Beautiful poem nedu! I enjoyed this piece immensely because it captures my view on the topic quite fittingly.

    I don’t understand why Nigerians (my husband included) are quick to dismiss depression and suicide ideation as weak. Perhaps One needs to have a loved one or friend go through that darkness to completely understand its complexities.

    UmmiBee’s Blog 

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ummi,

      Thank you so much. 🙂

      Sometimes, we unfairly measure other people using a yardstick that’s based on our own personal limits and capacities.

      Indeed, it is a darkness fraught with complexities that cannot be defined by “weakness”. Yes, experience sometimes teaches us understanding and compassion.

      Enjoy the rest of the week.


  16. This is good nedoux. Really good. God bless you for this.

    The other day I saw a movie “the novelist” with a friend, and it was somewhat related to suicide and my friend said, Nigerians are too strong-willed to commit suicide. I just laughed and told her she was wrong, because I have a personal experience and the person actually died because I gave the usual Nigerian response of “you’re not serious oh”

    Its hard out there for some people for real. We just need to show support to any person attempting suicide not judging them and calling em weak.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Fadeke,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I enjoyed reading your comment, you summed up the message in my post beautifully.

      I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

      Lol @ “Too strong-willed” Ah, Nigerians seem to eat resilience for breakfast, lunch and dinner daily. Still, judging from the number of suicide cases that I see reported weekly on the popular news blogs, perhaps our mental strength is highly over-rated. 😀

      I know what you mean, sometimes it is incorrectly assumed that a tough exterior indicates a tough interior. That a person seems capable of enduring external hardship, doesn’t necessarily mean that they aren’t fighting internal battles.

      You are so right, it’s much harder for some people than others. Weakness doesn’t define a person who’s been broken by life’s issues.

      Have a super lovely week.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Cassie,

      Sometimes experience teaches wholesome lessons and allows us empathise, so that we react patiently with compassion rather than hasty judgement.

      Thank you so much for chipping in. Enjoy the rest of the week. 🙂


  17. Hmmm, this post resonate with my intention last year December eve. It was then I understood that suicide ain’t easy. Its takes a lot of courage and some more to end ones life.
    I have had a few shot at it in my teenage years and early twenties so I know the feelings. But thank God, I’m always found out early.

    Thanks for sharing this post , about your first poem? That’s dope

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Immanuel,

      I sincerely appreciate your honest comment, it touched me deeply. The growing up years can be quite confusing, especially as one tries to find themselves. I am glad that you overcame the trying times. *hugs*

      Indeed, it is one thing to be tired of life and another thing to follow through with the decision to end it. I agree with you 100%, it does takes courage and some more.

      I believe that it is absolute hopelessness that pushes one over that brink, the feeling that one’s problem is beyond resolution fuels despair. Sadly, shame sometimes aggravates this state of mind.

      Lol @ dope. Thank you! 🙂

      Best wishes.


  18. In the same way depression doesn’t mean anything in Nigeria even though we might have a lot to be depressed about. I’ve dismissed peoples hopelessness, fear, depression as being dramatic. May God help us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tonye,

      I’ve learned that there’s a tendency for people to dismiss other’s people’s fears when they gauge them based on their own personal strength. Like the pidgin saying goes, “Power pass power“.

      Lol… The challenges in Nigeria are very disheartening . Depression is a mental illness that goes way beyond simply being sad or unhappy about external challenges.

      Thank you so much for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week.

      PS: The rainy season is here, I’m so glad that we are getting a break from the hot weather. 😀


  19. I feel like the major reason people criticize suicide is in relation to what your Aunty said about ‘liberty’. Because when you think about it, I’m sure there’s a lot of times people will think it’s easier to just give up. At the same time, thank God for hope.. That feeling that ‘this too shall pass’ is sometimes more powerful than any other thing! Nice post..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ella,

      I agree with you, the “what sort of liberty is that?” standpoint is one reason why some people would view suicide as going from bad to worse. Funny how life teaches us that the taste of the pudding is in the eating.

      Ah, thank God for hope. I never take that soothing reassurance that “this too shall pass” for granted. I’m thankful that my choice to persevere hasn’t been severely tested, which is why I lean towards compassion rather than criticism for those for whom hope seems unbearably distant.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I enjoyed reading your comment. 🙂

      Have a beautiful week.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Hi,

    Hmmm. Your first poem is so 👌🏾.

    I love this – “Mindfully, I’m learning to abstain from the absolute judgement of journeys that I haven’t travelled.”. I’m trying too as well.

    Yes, it sometimes is. I wonder if it possible to say same for pessimism 🤔

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Tony,

      Ah, that’s high praise coming from you. My seventeen year old self says “Thank you very much”. 😀

      I love the way that you turned the tables, you’ve made me wonder too about pessimism.

      With optimism, I’ve observed that because one is able the hold the ropes that pull them back to the calm shore during a storm, it is assumed that everyone will have that same firm grasp during any storm, regardless. As if all storms are built the same. As if all hands are built the same.

      Thank you for reading this, have a super nice week.

      Liked by 2 people

  21. Great piece and very deep. I remember when I was much younger. I always nursed serious thoughts of suicide… One would wonder why a young girl like me would even think of that word… But I always concluded that no one would ever understand what I was passing through at that point in time but that is all in the past and never to be resurrected ever again.. Thanks for sharing really enjoyed the poem.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Judith,

      I think that it’s understandable how one would consider suicide as being a solution especially when the loneliness from being misunderstood aggravates one’s fears.

      I’m so glad that your difficult phase is now in the past. Some struggles seem unbearable when one is still immersed in them, and it’s only after the light beams through the darkness that they become laughable.

      Thank you so much for reading. Have a lovely week. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kachee,

      Indeed, we can never really tell. Sometimes, passing judgement without experience is like a person declaring that they know exactly how deep a pool is, even before they’ve waded through it.

      Thank you so much for reading. Have a great week. 🙂


    1. Hi dear,

      Our humanity reminds us that underneath the hard or soft exterior, we are the same. All of us are trying to live this life. 🙂

      Thank you so much for reading, have a lovely week.

      Liked by 2 people

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