My neighbour’s dog is dead. Yes, It died today.
It of the wild 5:00 am barking sprees, as though it were auditioning for Canine Idol and needed to practise its tuneless staccato song. For some reason, the left side of my head ached more than the right side as each verse of gbof-gbof-gbof marched through my ears waking me up. An unsolicited alarm clock.
It of the stinky poo dropped generously like presents for whoever cared for gifts of the intestinal variety. Watching a dog strain to release poo reminds me of labouring during childbirth.
There is a careless abandon in that grip of contractions, a primal need to expel what must be expelled from its body. No graces or airs whatsoever, Nature’s call must be heeded regardless of who sees, hears or even smells.
I once heard its carer speaking Yoruba to it “ò kí n gbórò?” (can’t you hear), like one would scold a naughty child, as she shooed it into its kernel but it refused to cooperate immediately. I mused, did It understand her? I’d assumed the dog “spoke” English only.
I, myself, once tried to converse with It, I locked eyes with it from a safe distance and spoke under my breath. “Shut up, shut up, shut up” I chanted but It didn’t quite understand me. It looked sad in a droopy-faced kind of way. “Are you ill?” I asked, still whispering. It didn’t say anything in return.
It wasn’t the left-over eba and day-old jollof rice eating type of dog, no it had a diet of packaged dog food, the type sold in air-conditioned supermarkets, for this was no random Bingo.
Because my neighbour’s dog died today, I, who solemnly swore off fizzy drinks since the first day of October 2013 AD (My Soda Independence Day), bought myself a 60cl bottle of Coca-Cola to celebrate.
I purposely picked a plastic bottle with a screw-top rather than a can, I wanted to lock in the bubbly high. Sipping flat coke after breaking my campaign of discipline would have been pointless, there would have no reward whatsoever in that bland, sapped-of-its-zest amber liquid, no electric shot to the centre of my brain.
I’d considered buying a cake to celebrate, a sinfully decadent chocolate cake slathered in creamy melted chocolate. And as I handed out paper plate after paper plate of thick cake slices to my work colleagues, if asked “Oh, what are you celebrating? ” my poker faced response would have been “Life”. I even practised the mysterious Mona Lisa smile that would have appeared on my lips after this vague declaration.
Alas, I didn’t have time to order from my favourite bakery, they said they were fully booked. The dog didn’t give me enough notice to plan a proper dessert soirée, you see.
So, I sipped my Coca-Cola slowly, healthy diet be damned. I closed my eyes savouring each delightful drop, and as the sugar released dopamine into my brain, I said a prayer for its doggy soul. I will not miss this dog but I’d imagine the flies that feasted on its ear-sores would sorely miss their host.
Well, they say all dogs go to heaven, the thought of sleeping soundly tonight sounds pretty heavenly to me. It’s a win-win.
PS: A fusion of the real and the imagined.
Haha. I can only imagine that – you giving the reason for sharing cake as “celebrating life” with the vague Mona Lisa smile.
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Hi Tony,
Lol… The thought of sharing cake with that barely-there smile is rather funny.
Thank you so much for reading this.
PS: Please forgive me, I have become the Queen of delayed blog responses, how did I get atop this naughty throne? XD
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That makes two of us. I dislike dogs so much right from my child hood. My dad made sure we all hate dogs because an infected dog bite his dad and he died of rabies. His death made growing up very tough for m dad. I don’t know how people keep those fiery looking animals as pet. Cat I understand as they are cuddly. My first trip to Calabar, I requested for freshly made dog meat meal. I watched with so much excitement dancing in my eyes as the dog was killed right in my presence. One hit on the dog’s head and I watched as it wiggled and died.
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Hi Amaka,
Oh, your grandfather’s experience made me very sad. I can only imagine what your father went through. Ah, I cannot stand animals even the cuddly-looking ones.
Dog meat meal? You are so adventurous! XD
Thank you so much for reading this.
PS: I’m so sorry for not responding sooner, I’ve been away from active blogging a.k.a lazy blogger syndrome. Lol
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Nedy this article was hilarious!!! Good one. I am a dog lover, but it throws so much light on the effect of our dogs on our neighbours, especially in closely knit neighbourhoods.
Sorry for the difficult nights and gboof, gboof,[and this is to all my neighbours blazer, amanda, xeena, lucky, chester, yeller, doctor, max & co may your souls rest in perfect peace]you have had to go through.
Dogs are the sweetest, truest friends a person can have. When they love you, they really do.
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Hi Ijeomee,
Thank you so much for reading this, I know you are a dog lover. This matter really is a “one man’s meat is another man’s poison” situation. Lol
Apparently, dogs are supposed to be Man’s best friend, I’m more than happy to be BFFs with the toothless, non-barking breed. 😀
Have a lovely weekend.
PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.
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As someone who owns a dog, I’m not sure I should comment on this. But it’s not Mikey so I will.
Weren’t you happy to be given a second alarm clock? For free even. The morning hours are when sleep is sweetest and before you know it one rainy morning, you’ll be woken up by your phone at 10am?
There’s a mosque and a church behind my house, my neighbors children on both sides, right and left, and my preaching neighbbor in front. I can sleep through an earthquake, trust me. So hey, be happy you had a foolproof alarm clock. (I’m being ironic here)
He he, prepackaged dog food sold in air conditioned supermarket, Mikey only eats garri and soup, moin moin or Golden Morn. Don’t bring any foreign food for him. You’ll just throw it away the next day.
I can’t say there’s a purpose to this comment. I would have congratulated you that a source of stress was eliminated from your life but since the dog is still alive, I encourage you instead to be happy you have a backup alarm clock. *evil laugh*
P.s- Forgive me, seriously. I was going to call you on your birthday. I totally, completely forgot. Happy birthday in arrears.
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Hi Uju,
Lol… I was quite keen to read the comments of dog lovers.
@ “Free alarm clock” Ah, sometimes, freebies have a catch, or in Naija speak “Awoof dey run belle” 😀
Mikey eats Golden Morn? He’s a pampered canine o!
Funny, how I can sleep through all the noise from generators, but become restless when I hear a dog barking. Selective deafness, perhaps…
Thank you so much for reading this.
Have a lovely weekend.
PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.
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LOL!! I could read this everyday. Brilliant! Although I’m very much a dog person – I’ve had at least one at every point all my life – but I can totally understand people that don’t appreciate all the noise they make. Oh and the stinky poops. Ugh. Lovely piece!
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Hi ‘Denike,
Thank you so much for reading this.
I am actually scared of animals, cat, goats or dogs. Ah, I don’t even know which is the lesser evil between the noise and the poop. 😀
Have a happy weekend.
PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.
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Hahahahaha this is such a funny post. I enjoy reading from you Nedoux and finally, now you can sleep peacefully. I really can’t stand dogs but as the saying goes, ‘all dogs go to heaven’.
P.S I don’t know where all my comments go.
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Hi Adaeze,
Thank you so much for reading this.
It sounds funny now, but I could barely crack a smile during the barking sessions. Lol
Oh, they really do go to heaven. 😉
Have a great weekend.
PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.
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I feel so much better now. My new neighbor’s noisy Newfoundland doesn’t start the incessant wofing until 7 a.m. He’s at least 7 years old. Large breeds live shorter lives. In my mind I’m putting a cake in the freezer.
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Hello Roo,
@ “I’m putting cake in the freezer” Ah, I am laughing so hard. XD
In the early hours of the morning, sleep just feels so much sweeter, and to be woken up so abruptly by a barking dog feels almost like a slap. Lol
I sincerely appreciate your delightful comment, have a happy weekend.
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😀 I know how you feel. I adore my early morning hours. I actually adore dogs too and often wonder about the people that are supposed to care for them and help them acclimate to their surroundings. That about sews it up for me 😀 Have a wonderful weekend!
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ah an. This is unfair. I love dogs…..A LOT. I speak a universal dog language so a dog doesn’t have to be from Ibadan to understand me. But you are funny sha with your word play. This was interesting to read. Almost didn’t want it to end.
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Hi NSG,
Lol… Ah, all is fair in love and war.
@ “Universal dog language”, like the Dog Whisperer? XD
Thank you so much for reading, I enjoyed your comment.
Enjoy the rest of the week.
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“Eeyah” to your neighbour on her dog’s death. “Congrats” to you on the assurance of peaceful nights henceforth.
But what if she decides to get another dog?
By the way, your drawings are funny!
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Hi Eniola,
Lol @ “Eeyah”. The thought of another dog just gave me a headache.
Ah, sometimes my drawings capture my thoughts more precisely than photographs. 🙂
Thank you so much for reading, enjoy the rest of the week.
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Your writing is so exquisite! I could taste the Coke bubbles as I read and unfortunately, I could smell the old Eba and left-over jollof rice combo lunch 😄😄
http://www.pagesbyike.com
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Hi Ike,
You are far too kind, thank you so much! 🙂
Ah, now I can smell it too. Lol
Have a happy new week.
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I had a good laugh reading this! hehehehehe!!! You would have cooked jollof rice with some chicken thighs in place of the cake. It was a well deserved celebration. I particularly dislike dogs so I can relate.
Great post as always Nedu. Thanks for sharing.
evitainprogress.blogspot.com
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Hi Evita,
I’m glad that you saw the funny side to this. 😀
Lol… I know right, I should have just thrown a full blown party.
Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy new week.
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Awwww. Poor doggy, but I feel your celebration. Hopefully the neighbor won’t get another alarm clock dog.
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Hi Chic lady,
Ah, it’s gone to heaven. 😉
Lol @ “Alarm clock dog”. Fingers (and toes) crossed.
Thank you for reading, enjoy the rest of the weekend.
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Teeheeheehee! I felt a similar relief the day my friend’s landlord’s dog died. Visiting her was traumatic.
The first day, I didn’t even know they had dogs. I was few paces in and I saw two huge, black devils peep out from behind one of the buildings. My breath seized and they came flying towards me.
Nedu, I barely made it out the gate; and then I had to hold the gate closed with violently shaking hands while they clamoured on the other side. I danced when they died.
Suspiciously they died on the same day. I suspect someone more decisive poisoned them.
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Hi Doc Sandy,
I laughed so hard at your story. How traumatic! XD
Awww…I bet someone took matters into their own hands and sent those dogs on an early trip to heaven. Lol
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, enjoy the rest of the weekend.
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Reading you is always a delight!
I don’t like dogs, can’t live with one and I would be supremely irritated if a dog interrupted those beautiful last moments of sleep.
I wish I could give up the fizzies for a whole year.
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Hi Adaeze,
Thank you so much, likewise. 🙂
Lol… The way I see it, owning a dog is like having a noisy, helpless baby that needs feeding and diaper changes, not to mention the vet costs.
Ah, those last moments of sleep are the sweetest.
Giving up fizzies can be done, mind over matter.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
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Haha, I bet that dog understood Yoruba well, well, even the non-verbal communications – that is called being Lagosian 🙂
Barking nonstop can be pretty annoying but I wondered why it barked so much – ha, got it, sees you often with nice custom made outfits and tries to say it wouldn’t mind a collar too? Haha
Seriously, I have heard dogs respond to training very well, and best to train them not to bark at the sight of all objects otherwise how could anyone differentiate between compulsive barking and the the one that needs attention?
BTW: my girls dream of a day they’ll have a dog each, they promised to train, feed, exercise and clean after them – I don’t believe them one bit so for now, I am happy reading about dogs and admiring the well behaved ones we come across on the road.
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Hi Folake,
Honestly you leave the best comments! I agree with you, that dog was just pretending not to understand. Proper Lagosian aja. XD
I considered the reasons behind the barking, probably cold or hungry or thirsty or just because…
Lol @ “Wouldn’t mind a collar”. Ah, I would have happily sewed It a million collars if that would have given me peace and quiet.
Kids are good at one thing; loving and fawning over their pets, but I don’t think they do the heavy lifting with regards to actually taking care of said pet.
Thank you so much for reading. Have a very happy weekend.
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Haha,you will miss that dog I assure you. Maybe not at first but someday after the dopamine and euphoria has cleared. One day you will be awakened by the utter and complete silence of the early morning, that day you will miss the dog.
I love your writing style 🙂
http://www.sunlightdreamer.blogspot.com
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Hi Ifunanya,
Lol… Indeed, one day, I shall wake up from my beauty sleep and notice how remarkably even more beautiful I’ve become. I shall then observe that it just might be because of the utter and complete silence.
Then I shall say to myself, “Ah, I miss It”. Not! XD
I really enjoyed reading your comment, thank you so much for visiting.
Have a lovely weekend.
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Haha!
I sympathise with you.
You’re going to get good sleep, but won’t you miss these sort of conversations?
“I, myself, once tried to converse with It, I locked eyes with it from a safe distance and spoke under my breath. “Shut up, shut up, shut up” I chanted but It didn’t quite understand me.”
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Hi Dami,
Lol… Hmmm, you have a point, I just might miss those warm heart-to-heart conversations with this dog. Not! XD
Thank you so much for reading, best wishes for the rest of the week.
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Lmao.. I literally have tears rolling down my eyes… haha!!
This is my first read here and I enjoyed every bit I could read it over again. But i’ll advice you not to get too excited as not so random bingo might just get a replacement – very typical of dog owners. I hope and pray that’s not the case!! lol
http://www.tegaenai.com
How to style an ankara skirt
xoxo
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Hi Tega,
I’m so glad that you saw the humour within this piece. 🙂
Ah, I hadn’t even considered that a replacement would even be likely, my neighbour seemed (or seems) to have a passive type of love for this dog. Lol
Thank you so much for visiting, enjoy the rest of the week!
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BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have serious zoophobia, but I don’t think I would even rejoice like this. I would be happy, but celebrating with cake and coke? Okay okay, I might do my victory dance and jump for joy :p
Berry Dakara Blog
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Hey Berry,
You are so funny! XD Ah, victory dancing and jumping for joy are so gleeful, far worse than a poker-faced cake eating and coke sipping session. Lol
Thank you so much for reading this, have a lovely rest-of-the week dear.
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Oh, yes. All dogs go to heaven. Lol. I was too young when I watched that cartoon. I can barely remember it. Though I still remember Pluto’s tale. My neighbor’s dog was of the leftover eba and day-old jollof rice variety. Its bark was ferocious. And it was menancing to all but its owners. When it died I couldn’t believe it for weeks and the relief I felt extended for months. I still feel the relief every time I go to the kitchen balcony to take out the trash I’m like “OMG, Jackie’s truly gone” so I completely empathize with you 😉😂
My Small World
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Hi Inez,
Ah, yes they do, I watched that delightful cartoon as a child.
Lol @ “OMG, Jackie’s truly gone”, that statement has palpable relief written all over it. One would have expected a dog named Jackie to behave better. XD
Thank you so much for reading this, best wishes for the rest of the week.
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Lool the leftover eba and day old kind jollof rice kind of dog, really? And I hate dogs too gosh. Can’t stand them even the obviously harmless ones. Coke abstinence for 3 years? You’re the mvp.
Long,Big Feet Palava
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Hi Olaitan,
I really don’t mind dogs provided they mind their business quietly and don’t disturb my sleep. 😀
Lol @ ‘MVP’. Ah, when there’s a will, there’s a way.
Thank you so much for reading this, have a lovely rest-of-the-week.
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Lol! Coca Cola as a brand should thank your neighbor’s dog for making you remember them.
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Hi Mide,
Lol… Ah, Coca-Cola owes the dog a commission of sorts, I wonder if they accept cash in heaven. 😉
Thank you for reading, have a great rest-of-the-week.
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Hahahaha Nedoux! Auditioning for Canine Idol?
That sound, “gbof, gbof” got me. You are so funny!
Farewell to your unsolicited alarm clock.
I’m not a dog person at all. It doesn’t help that my neighbours have dogs which often play with them outside. At least they don’t wake me up with barking.
Enjoy your peaceful sleep.
Another beautifully crafted piece from you!
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Hi Precious,
I tried to bark and “gbof, gbof” captured the nerve-grating sound perfectly. 😀
Dogs scare me, I’m mostly afraid of getting bitten. I don’t mind the barks in the daytime but I draw the line at night time barking, it’s not exactly like someone whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
Thank you so much for your kind words my dear. Best wishes for the rest of the week!
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You really haven’t drank coke since 2013???? Wow.. I want to be you when I grow up. I feel the same way you feel about my neighbors generator but the generator won’t die 😩.
http://www.tonyeigbani.com
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Hi Tonye,
Yes I haven’t, I’d developed an unhealthy addiction to sugar and had to cleanse my system, then I simply got used to the idea of not drinking Coke.
Lol @ “The generator won’t die” You are hilarious! Ah, most people have a symbolic “dog” that torments them daily. 😀
That generator issue is like a cross that most Nigerians bear. I’ve become almost immune to the noise, it’s the smoke pollution that bothers me.
Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy rest-of-the week.
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Lol I can’t believe you actually celebrated the death of this dog, but really that’s why I can’t keep pets they’re always a nuisance, I just hope your neighbor doesn’t buy another dog.
http://www.toksdavid.com
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Hi Toks,
Lol… There are all sorts of victories, sleeping soundly must be celebrated.
I know what you mean, sometimes, pets are cute only from the owner’s perspective, the rest of us couldn’t care less about them, provided they stay in both their proverbial and literal lane.
Ah, another dog, I hadn’t considered that possibility. XD
Thank you so much for reading, have a happy rest-of-the-week.
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Aw, one man’s sadness might be another’s happiness!
Lol @ the dog “spoke” English only. 🙂
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Hi Timi,
Alas, the Yin-Yangness of this life… XD
I must have gotten that idea from Disney cartoons.
Thank you so much for reading, have a happy rest-of the week
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Kai Nedoux! It is not fair oh.
But I can totally relate with the joy of an uninterrupted sleep.
Hope your neighbor doesn’t get a replacement soon.
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Hi Chioma.
Ah, all is fair is love and (dog-related) war.
Lol @ replacement. Riddle me this, depending on which part of this piece is imagined or real, the said dog might just be alive and well. 😉
Thank you so much for reading, have a happy rest-of-the-week.
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Lol!
Didn’t even think for a moment it could still be alive. I got a notification on my reader that you posted an article something on women but when I clicked on it, it didn’t show.
Be safe.
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Ah about that, I was typing up the idea for a new post and must have clicked Publish instead of Drafts. I only realised my mistake when I saw a comment.
Warm regards.
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Ahh ok. Waiting for it now ‘cos I liked the title.
🙂
🙂
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Lol… Thank you Nne. 🙂
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Hehehe you know say woman matter is always interesting and when it’s written by a crafts man worthy of her pen… ahhh it goes down even better.
No pressure oh, just saying.
Don’t mind me.
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Ah, the pressure! XD
Yes o, woman matter always involves sweet gist.
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Haha, Nedu you are something else. Abeg I would have toasted with you jaaaaw. I have a dog phobia, something about growing up with alsatians and from when I was a wee pup seeing them bite and chase various people. And one killed my chicken White Feathers! And then, Canine Idol, hahaha, have a good wk hon ( :
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Hi Biki,
Lol… You know how these things go nau, one finds inspiration even within their “environmental” frustrations.
Dogs and I do not see eye-to-eye. Awww, poor White Feathers. 😀
Thank you for reading my dear, have a happy week.
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Lmao, Nedu don’t kill me please.
My neighbour has a dog who can bark all night long and every time it sees myself and my sister passing by it’s start barking. It is chained so I look it in the eye like “what you gon do? Bite me?”
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Hi Fola,
Lol @ “What you gon do?” The day that dog catches you whilst unchained… XD
Ah, sometimes the barks are so painful to listen to, especially at night.
Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy week.
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I actually laughed out loud. Omg!!! My oh my. Nedoux oooo. Canine idol! and shit again. Hehe. You ehn.
“I once heard its carer speaking Yoruba to it “ò kí n gbórò?” (can’t you hear), like one would scold a naughty child, as she shooed it into its kernel but it refused to cooperate immediately. I mused, did It understand her? I’d assumed the dog “spoke” English only.”
You even had time to add the intonations to the words. Hehe. I can’t believe you actually tried to speak to the thing. Celebrate well o.
A wonderful read as always. xo!
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Hi Itunu,
I had to find a justifiable reason for the continuous barking. Apparently, that’s all dogs do- ‘shit and bark’, repeat. Lol
Yes o, I wanted to persuade It to see the error of its ways. I try to add Àmì marks whenever I write Yoruba words, my friends teach me. 🙂
Ah, I’m celebrating (at least in my head).
Thank you so much for reading, have a happy week.
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Yes, sleep soundly, my dear. Revel in the post Canine Idol silence (hahahahahaha) and your celebratory Coca-Cola, and sleep until the sun hits your contented, no more sleep-deprivation eyes.
This was hilarious.
We, too, have a neighbor with a dog that barks at the smallest sound in the night, although it’s gotten better. Another neighbor’s dog (I hate that he named him Snowy after my beloved Tintin’s dog; the mongrel isn’t worthy of the name) chases after me when he sees me, barking his head off, following me toward my house. And his owner does nothing, of course. Just stands there. I hope to drink my own celebratory Coke one day. LOL.
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Hi Lady S,
And revel I shall ! A lady needs her beauty sleep and must therefore declare war against anything that gets in the way of her vanity slumber.
Ah, “Snowy”, mongrels with deceptively cute names, I’m certain that its barks are nothing short of un-cute.
I shall clink my glass against yours when you celebrate. 😀
Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy week!
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Hahaha …… well all is fair in war I think.
Recently our dogs (pitto and spark)died and I cried, I guess you are not a dog person
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Hi Immanuel,
Lol, Indeed “all is fair in war”. It was (and remains) a war of sorts, if only in my head. XD
Awww, I’m so sorry to hear that. “Pitto and Spark” are such cute names. I’m generally not an animal person, but I can understand the emotional attachment to pets, especially the domesticated ones. 🙂
Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy week.
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Lool, let’s hope your neighbour doesn’t stumble across this post someday :p
Buying Coke to celebrate… lwkmd!
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Hi Ify,
Ah, truthfully, I don’t expect to be covered in too many ruffled feathers if my neighbour sees this post. The dog is very much alive. Lol
Remember the Coke slogan “Open Happiness”? 😉
Thank you so much for reading, have a happy week.
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Hahaha, I know that feeling 😂. There’s a dog that stands guard in front of my apartment at night/dawn, barking at the sight of me. He’s stopped me from going for my morning jog.
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Hi Ameena,
Lol… An anti-FitFam dog, imagine the effrontery?! XD
Oh, the barks are really frustrating, they go on and on and on.
Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy new week.
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Lol, Nedu. I guess you’re not a dog person. 🙂
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Hi Uzoma,
Ah, I’m not a dog person. I’m not a four-legged-creature person at all. 😀
Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy week.
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Hahaha Nedu ooo.
Free at last right! And that’s a well deserved bottle of coke.
Epiphany29
An Attitude Of Gratitude
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Hi Grace,
Free indeed! Ah, life supposedly tastes better with Coca-Cola. 😀
Thank you for reading, have a happy new week.
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Rofl….Aaaaa Nedu you wont kill me o… Anyways I am happy for you that you are finally free. It’s really worth celebrating. **awaiting the cake though so I can celebrate with you**… May its doggie soul rest in peace.
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Hi Seyi,
Ah, well, once the hazy line seperating the real and the imagined becomes less hazy, then we might revisit this cake sharing business. 😀
Thank you so much for always reading.
Have a happy new week!
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