March | 2016 | Nedoux

I was highly amused to discover that there’s all sorts of profiling. Within five minutes of chatting me up, my red pout probably dazzled this bobo and he proceeded to interview me for a role that I wasn’t even aware I’d applied for.

“Are you catholic?” he enquired, amongst other things, I chuckled gently at his forwardness. He wondered why, and I cheekily commended him for having his checklist ready and within reach. He laughed a caught-in-the-act sort of laugh.

While Religious denomination profiling is one bowl of soaked Ijebu garri with idly floating ground nuts, Silver spoon profiling is another bowl altogether with milk added. That sly “What does your father do for a living?”

Let’s not forget the more subtle yet so powerful, it really packs a punch, I bet you’ve missed it several times because it seemed so innocent, like nothing more than a polite request. “What is your name?” Yes, this, sometimes, is the grandmother of Tribal profiling.

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The Urban Dictionary definition of the above expression made me chuckle; A term used when a girl has a guy under her command, means the guy will pretty much follow his girl’s every wish and do whatever she wants.

Sprinkle some Andrews Liver Salt over this expression and voila! it bubbles into the plot of a Nollywood movie.

Scheming Lady puts a love potion in Mr. Man’s food. He becomes pretty much wrapped around her little finger. His Loving Mother becomes suspicious and accuses Scheming Lady, who weepingly confesses. The antidote is found and Mr. Man becomes free (“Remote Control” Parts 1, 2 and 3. Grab your copy now!).

I quite like the world of Nollywood, where evil is punished and good is rewarded. Where it is either black or white with no middle ground whatsoever, so save your political correctness for the movie about your own life. Don’t forget to tie your sanctimonious gèlè as movie plots are usually pregnant with moral undertones.

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