It died.

My neighbour’s dog is dead. Yes, It died today.

It of the wild 5:00 am barking sprees, as though it were auditioning for Canine Idol and needed to practise its tuneless staccato song. For some reason, the left side of my head ached more than the right side as each verse of gbof-gbof-gbof marched through my ears waking me up.  An unsolicited alarm clock.

It of the stinky poo dropped generously like presents for whoever cared for gifts of the intestinal variety.  Watching a dog strain to release poo reminds me of labouring during childbirth.

There is a careless abandon in that grip of contractions,  a primal need to expel what must be expelled from its body. No graces or airs whatsoever, Nature’s call must be heeded regardless of who sees, hears or even smells.

I once heard its carer speaking Yoruba to it  “ò kí n gbórò?”  (can’t you hear), like one would scold a naughty child,  as she shooed it into its kernel but it refused to cooperate immediately.  I mused, did It understand her? I’d assumed the dog “spoke” English only.

I, myself, once tried to converse with It, I locked eyes with it from a safe distance and spoke under my breath. “Shut up, shut up, shut up” I chanted but It didn’t quite understand me.  It looked sad in a droopy-faced kind of way. “Are you ill?” I asked, still whispering.  It didn’t say anything in return.

It wasn’t the left-over eba and day-old jollof rice eating type of dog, no it had a diet of packaged dog food, the type sold in air-conditioned supermarkets, for this was no random Bingo.

Because my neighbour’s dog died today, I, who solemnly swore off fizzy drinks since the first day of October 2013 AD (My Soda Independence Day), bought myself a 60cl bottle of Coca-Cola to celebrate.

I purposely picked a plastic bottle with a screw-top rather than a can, I wanted to lock in the bubbly high.  Sipping flat coke after breaking my campaign of discipline would have been pointless, there would have no reward whatsoever in that bland, sapped-of-its-zest amber liquid, no electric shot to the centre of my brain.

I’d considered buying a cake to celebrate, a sinfully decadent chocolate cake slathered in creamy melted chocolate. And as I handed out paper plate after paper plate of thick cake slices to my work colleagues, if asked “Oh, what are you celebrating? ” my poker faced response would have been  “Life”. I even practised the mysterious Mona Lisa smile that would have appeared on my lips after this vague declaration.

Mona Lisa 2

Alas,  I didn’t have time to order from my favourite bakery, they said they were fully booked. The dog didn’t give me enough notice to plan a proper dessert soirée, you see.

So, I sipped my Coca-Cola slowly, healthy diet be damned. I closed my eyes savouring each delightful drop, and as the sugar released dopamine into my brain,  I said a prayer for its doggy soul.  I will not miss this dog but I’d imagine the flies that feasted on its ear-sores would sorely miss their host.

Well, they say all dogs go to heaven, the thought of sleeping soundly tonight sounds pretty heavenly to me.  It’s a win-win.

Sign

 

 

 

PS: A fusion of the real and the imagined.

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81 comments

    1. Hi Tony,

      Lol… The thought of sharing cake with that barely-there smile is rather funny.

      Thank you so much for reading this.

      PS: Please forgive me, I have become the Queen of delayed blog responses, how did I get atop this naughty throne? XD

      Like

  1. That makes two of us. I dislike dogs so much right from my child hood. My dad made sure we all hate dogs because an infected dog bite his dad and he died of rabies. His death made growing up very tough for m dad. I don’t know how people keep those fiery looking animals as pet. Cat I understand as they are cuddly. My first trip to Calabar, I requested for freshly made dog meat meal. I watched with so much excitement dancing in my eyes as the dog was killed right in my presence. One hit on the dog’s head and I watched as it wiggled and died.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Amaka,

      Oh, your grandfather’s experience made me very sad. I can only imagine what your father went through. Ah, I cannot stand animals even the cuddly-looking ones.

      Dog meat meal? You are so adventurous! XD

      Thank you so much for reading this.

      PS: I’m so sorry for not responding sooner, I’ve been away from active blogging a.k.a lazy blogger syndrome. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nedy this article was hilarious!!! Good one. I am a dog lover, but it throws so much light on the effect of our dogs on our neighbours, especially in closely knit neighbourhoods.

    Sorry for the difficult nights and gboof, gboof,[and this is to all my neighbours blazer, amanda, xeena, lucky, chester, yeller, doctor, max & co may your souls rest in perfect peace]you have had to go through.

    Dogs are the sweetest, truest friends a person can have. When they love you, they really do.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ijeomee,

      Thank you so much for reading this, I know you are a dog lover. This matter really is a “one man’s meat is another man’s poison” situation. Lol

      Apparently, dogs are supposed to be Man’s best friend, I’m more than happy to be BFFs with the toothless, non-barking breed. 😀

      Have a lovely weekend.

      PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.

      Like

  3. As someone who owns a dog, I’m not sure I should comment on this. But it’s not Mikey so I will.
    Weren’t you happy to be given a second alarm clock? For free even. The morning hours are when sleep is sweetest and before you know it one rainy morning, you’ll be woken up by your phone at 10am?
    There’s a mosque and a church behind my house, my neighbors children on both sides, right and left, and my preaching neighbbor in front. I can sleep through an earthquake, trust me. So hey, be happy you had a foolproof alarm clock. (I’m being ironic here)
    He he, prepackaged dog food sold in air conditioned supermarket, Mikey only eats garri and soup, moin moin or Golden Morn. Don’t bring any foreign food for him. You’ll just throw it away the next day.
    I can’t say there’s a purpose to this comment. I would have congratulated you that a source of stress was eliminated from your life but since the dog is still alive, I encourage you instead to be happy you have a backup alarm clock. *evil laugh*
    P.s- Forgive me, seriously. I was going to call you on your birthday. I totally, completely forgot. Happy birthday in arrears.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Uju,

      Lol… I was quite keen to read the comments of dog lovers.

      @ “Free alarm clock” Ah, sometimes, freebies have a catch, or in Naija speak “Awoof dey run belle” 😀

      Mikey eats Golden Morn? He’s a pampered canine o!

      Funny, how I can sleep through all the noise from generators, but become restless when I hear a dog barking. Selective deafness, perhaps…

      Thank you so much for reading this.

      Have a lovely weekend.

      PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. LOL!! I could read this everyday. Brilliant! Although I’m very much a dog person – I’ve had at least one at every point all my life – but I can totally understand people that don’t appreciate all the noise they make. Oh and the stinky poops. Ugh. Lovely piece!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi ‘Denike,

      Thank you so much for reading this.

      I am actually scared of animals, cat, goats or dogs. Ah, I don’t even know which is the lesser evil between the noise and the poop. 😀

      Have a happy weekend.

      PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahahahaha this is such a funny post. I enjoy reading from you Nedoux and finally, now you can sleep peacefully. I really can’t stand dogs but as the saying goes, ‘all dogs go to heaven’.
    P.S I don’t know where all my comments go.

    Like

    1. Hi Adaeze,

      Thank you so much for reading this.

      It sounds funny now, but I could barely crack a smile during the barking sessions. Lol

      Oh, they really do go to heaven. 😉

      Have a great weekend.

      PS: My sincere apologies for not responding sooner.

      Like

  6. I feel so much better now. My new neighbor’s noisy Newfoundland doesn’t start the incessant wofing until 7 a.m. He’s at least 7 years old. Large breeds live shorter lives. In my mind I’m putting a cake in the freezer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Roo,

      @ “I’m putting cake in the freezer” Ah, I am laughing so hard. XD

      In the early hours of the morning, sleep just feels so much sweeter, and to be woken up so abruptly by a barking dog feels almost like a slap. Lol

      I sincerely appreciate your delightful comment, have a happy weekend.

      Like

      1. 😀 I know how you feel. I adore my early morning hours. I actually adore dogs too and often wonder about the people that are supposed to care for them and help them acclimate to their surroundings. That about sews it up for me 😀 Have a wonderful weekend!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. ah an. This is unfair. I love dogs…..A LOT. I speak a universal dog language so a dog doesn’t have to be from Ibadan to understand me. But you are funny sha with your word play. This was interesting to read. Almost didn’t want it to end.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi NSG,

      Lol… Ah, all is fair in love and war.

      @ “Universal dog language”, like the Dog Whisperer? XD

      Thank you so much for reading, I enjoyed your comment.

      Enjoy the rest of the week.

      Like

  8. “Eeyah” to your neighbour on her dog’s death. “Congrats” to you on the assurance of peaceful nights henceforth.
    But what if she decides to get another dog?
    By the way, your drawings are funny!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Eniola,

      Lol @ “Eeyah”. The thought of another dog just gave me a headache.

      Ah, sometimes my drawings capture my thoughts more precisely than photographs. 🙂

      Thank you so much for reading, enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I had a good laugh reading this! hehehehehe!!! You would have cooked jollof rice with some chicken thighs in place of the cake. It was a well deserved celebration. I particularly dislike dogs so I can relate.

    Great post as always Nedu. Thanks for sharing.

    evitainprogress.blogspot.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Evita,

      I’m glad that you saw the funny side to this. 😀

      Lol… I know right, I should have just thrown a full blown party.

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy new week.

      Like

    1. Hi Chic lady,

      Ah, it’s gone to heaven. 😉

      Lol @ “Alarm clock dog”. Fingers (and toes) crossed.

      Thank you for reading, enjoy the rest of the weekend.

      Like

  10. Teeheeheehee! I felt a similar relief the day my friend’s landlord’s dog died. Visiting her was traumatic.
    The first day, I didn’t even know they had dogs. I was few paces in and I saw two huge, black devils peep out from behind one of the buildings. My breath seized and they came flying towards me.
    Nedu, I barely made it out the gate; and then I had to hold the gate closed with violently shaking hands while they clamoured on the other side. I danced when they died.
    Suspiciously they died on the same day. I suspect someone more decisive poisoned them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Doc Sandy,

      I laughed so hard at your story. How traumatic! XD

      Awww…I bet someone took matters into their own hands and sent those dogs on an early trip to heaven. Lol

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience, enjoy the rest of the weekend.

      Like

  11. Reading you is always a delight!
    I don’t like dogs, can’t live with one and I would be supremely irritated if a dog interrupted those beautiful last moments of sleep.
    I wish I could give up the fizzies for a whole year.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Adaeze,

      Thank you so much, likewise. 🙂

      Lol… The way I see it, owning a dog is like having a noisy, helpless baby that needs feeding and diaper changes, not to mention the vet costs.

      Ah, those last moments of sleep are the sweetest.

      Giving up fizzies can be done, mind over matter.

      Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

      Like

  12. Haha, I bet that dog understood Yoruba well, well, even the non-verbal communications – that is called being Lagosian 🙂

    Barking nonstop can be pretty annoying but I wondered why it barked so much – ha, got it, sees you often with nice custom made outfits and tries to say it wouldn’t mind a collar too? Haha

    Seriously, I have heard dogs respond to training very well, and best to train them not to bark at the sight of all objects otherwise how could anyone differentiate between compulsive barking and the the one that needs attention?

    BTW: my girls dream of a day they’ll have a dog each, they promised to train, feed, exercise and clean after them – I don’t believe them one bit so for now, I am happy reading about dogs and admiring the well behaved ones we come across on the road.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Folake,

      Honestly you leave the best comments! I agree with you, that dog was just pretending not to understand. Proper Lagosian aja. XD

      I considered the reasons behind the barking, probably cold or hungry or thirsty or just because…

      Lol @ “Wouldn’t mind a collar”. Ah, I would have happily sewed It a million collars if that would have given me peace and quiet.

      Kids are good at one thing; loving and fawning over their pets, but I don’t think they do the heavy lifting with regards to actually taking care of said pet.

      Thank you so much for reading. Have a very happy weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ifunanya,

      Lol… Indeed, one day, I shall wake up from my beauty sleep and notice how remarkably even more beautiful I’ve become. I shall then observe that it just might be because of the utter and complete silence.

      Then I shall say to myself, “Ah, I miss It”. Not! XD

      I really enjoyed reading your comment, thank you so much for visiting.

      Have a lovely weekend.

      Like

  13. Haha!

    I sympathise with you.

    You’re going to get good sleep, but won’t you miss these sort of conversations?

    “I, myself, once tried to converse with It, I locked eyes with it from a safe distance and spoke under my breath. “Shut up, shut up, shut up” I chanted but It didn’t quite understand me.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Dami,

      Lol… Hmmm, you have a point, I just might miss those warm heart-to-heart conversations with this dog. Not! XD

      Thank you so much for reading, best wishes for the rest of the week.

      Like

    1. Hi Tega,

      I’m so glad that you saw the humour within this piece. 🙂

      Ah, I hadn’t even considered that a replacement would even be likely, my neighbour seemed (or seems) to have a passive type of love for this dog. Lol

      Thank you so much for visiting, enjoy the rest of the week!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Berry,

      You are so funny! XD Ah, victory dancing and jumping for joy are so gleeful, far worse than a poker-faced cake eating and coke sipping session. Lol

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a lovely rest-of-the week dear.

      Like

  14. Oh, yes. All dogs go to heaven. Lol. I was too young when I watched that cartoon. I can barely remember it. Though I still remember Pluto’s tale. My neighbor’s dog was of the leftover eba and day-old jollof rice variety. Its bark was ferocious. And it was menancing to all but its owners. When it died I couldn’t believe it for weeks and the relief I felt extended for months. I still feel the relief every time I go to the kitchen balcony to take out the trash I’m like “OMG, Jackie’s truly gone” so I completely empathize with you 😉😂

    My Small World

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Inez,

      Ah, yes they do, I watched that delightful cartoon as a child.

      Lol @ “OMG, Jackie’s truly gone”, that statement has palpable relief written all over it. One would have expected a dog named Jackie to behave better. XD

      Thank you so much for reading this, best wishes for the rest of the week.

      Like

    1. Hi Olaitan,

      I really don’t mind dogs provided they mind their business quietly and don’t disturb my sleep. 😀

      Lol @ ‘MVP’. Ah, when there’s a will, there’s a way.

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a lovely rest-of-the-week.

      Like

    1. Hi Mide,

      Lol… Ah, Coca-Cola owes the dog a commission of sorts, I wonder if they accept cash in heaven. 😉

      Thank you for reading, have a great rest-of-the-week.

      Like

  15. Hahahaha Nedoux! Auditioning for Canine Idol?
    That sound, “gbof, gbof” got me. You are so funny!
    Farewell to your unsolicited alarm clock.
    I’m not a dog person at all. It doesn’t help that my neighbours have dogs which often play with them outside. At least they don’t wake me up with barking.
    Enjoy your peaceful sleep.
    Another beautifully crafted piece from you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Precious,

      I tried to bark and “gbof, gbof” captured the nerve-grating sound perfectly. 😀

      Dogs scare me, I’m mostly afraid of getting bitten. I don’t mind the barks in the daytime but I draw the line at night time barking, it’s not exactly like someone whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

      Thank you so much for your kind words my dear. Best wishes for the rest of the week!

      Like

    1. Hi Tonye,

      Yes I haven’t, I’d developed an unhealthy addiction to sugar and had to cleanse my system, then I simply got used to the idea of not drinking Coke.

      Lol @ “The generator won’t die” You are hilarious! Ah, most people have a symbolic “dog” that torments them daily. 😀

      That generator issue is like a cross that most Nigerians bear. I’ve become almost immune to the noise, it’s the smoke pollution that bothers me.

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy rest-of-the week.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Toks,

      Lol… There are all sorts of victories, sleeping soundly must be celebrated.

      I know what you mean, sometimes, pets are cute only from the owner’s perspective, the rest of us couldn’t care less about them, provided they stay in both their proverbial and literal lane.

      Ah, another dog, I hadn’t considered that possibility. XD

      Thank you so much for reading, have a happy rest-of-the-week.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Chioma.

      Ah, all is fair is love and (dog-related) war.

      Lol @ replacement. Riddle me this, depending on which part of this piece is imagined or real, the said dog might just be alive and well. 😉

      Thank you so much for reading, have a happy rest-of-the-week.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Haha, Nedu you are something else. Abeg I would have toasted with you jaaaaw. I have a dog phobia, something about growing up with alsatians and from when I was a wee pup seeing them bite and chase various people. And one killed my chicken White Feathers! And then, Canine Idol, hahaha, have a good wk hon ( :

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Biki,

      Lol… You know how these things go nau, one finds inspiration even within their “environmental” frustrations.

      Dogs and I do not see eye-to-eye. Awww, poor White Feathers. 😀

      Thank you for reading my dear, have a happy week.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Lmao, Nedu don’t kill me please.
    My neighbour has a dog who can bark all night long and every time it sees myself and my sister passing by it’s start barking. It is chained so I look it in the eye like “what you gon do? Bite me?”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Fola,

      Lol @ “What you gon do?” The day that dog catches you whilst unchained… XD

      Ah, sometimes the barks are so painful to listen to, especially at night.

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy week.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I actually laughed out loud. Omg!!! My oh my. Nedoux oooo. Canine idol! and shit again. Hehe. You ehn.

    “I once heard its carer speaking Yoruba to it “ò kí n gbórò?” (can’t you hear), like one would scold a naughty child, as she shooed it into its kernel but it refused to cooperate immediately. I mused, did It understand her? I’d assumed the dog “spoke” English only.”

    You even had time to add the intonations to the words. Hehe. I can’t believe you actually tried to speak to the thing. Celebrate well o.

    A wonderful read as always. xo!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Itunu,

      I had to find a justifiable reason for the continuous barking. Apparently, that’s all dogs do- ‘shit and bark’, repeat. Lol

      Yes o, I wanted to persuade It to see the error of its ways. I try to add Àmì marks whenever I write Yoruba words, my friends teach me. 🙂

      Ah, I’m celebrating (at least in my head).

      Thank you so much for reading, have a happy week.

      Like

  19. Yes, sleep soundly, my dear. Revel in the post Canine Idol silence (hahahahahaha) and your celebratory Coca-Cola, and sleep until the sun hits your contented, no more sleep-deprivation eyes.

    This was hilarious.

    We, too, have a neighbor with a dog that barks at the smallest sound in the night, although it’s gotten better. Another neighbor’s dog (I hate that he named him Snowy after my beloved Tintin’s dog; the mongrel isn’t worthy of the name) chases after me when he sees me, barking his head off, following me toward my house. And his owner does nothing, of course. Just stands there. I hope to drink my own celebratory Coke one day. LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lady S,

      And revel I shall ! A lady needs her beauty sleep and must therefore declare war against anything that gets in the way of her vanity slumber.

      Ah, “Snowy”, mongrels with deceptively cute names, I’m certain that its barks are nothing short of un-cute.

      I shall clink my glass against yours when you celebrate. 😀

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy week!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Immanuel,

      Lol, Indeed “all is fair in war”. It was (and remains) a war of sorts, if only in my head. XD

      Awww, I’m so sorry to hear that. “Pitto and Spark” are such cute names. I’m generally not an animal person, but I can understand the emotional attachment to pets, especially the domesticated ones. 🙂

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy week.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ify,

      Ah, truthfully, I don’t expect to be covered in too many ruffled feathers if my neighbour sees this post. The dog is very much alive. Lol

      Remember the Coke slogan “Open Happiness”? 😉

      Thank you so much for reading, have a happy week.

      Like

    1. Hi Ameena,

      Lol… An anti-FitFam dog, imagine the effrontery?! XD

      Oh, the barks are really frustrating, they go on and on and on.

      Thank you so much for reading this, have a happy new week.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Rofl….Aaaaa Nedu you wont kill me o… Anyways I am happy for you that you are finally free. It’s really worth celebrating. **awaiting the cake though so I can celebrate with you**… May its doggie soul rest in peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Seyi,

      Ah, well, once the hazy line seperating the real and the imagined becomes less hazy, then we might revisit this cake sharing business. 😀

      Thank you so much for always reading.

      Have a happy new week!

      Like

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