iSew

Suitably Paired

Their response to my gleeful “Happy New Year!” was a just-as-gleeful, well-meaning and pulsatingly pregnant “This is the year that we’ll come to eat your rice!”

Totally unrelated but perhaps a co-traveller on the same locomotive train faithfully conveying my thoughts, I’ve often wondered about the enigma; Why do long-married couples start to look alike?

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Well, after much pondering, I’m convinced that I just might have cracked the code to finding The One that one grows old and withered with. Alas, it’s hardly complicated:

Step 1. Spot a prospective.

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Traditionally woven

Unwrinkle your nose, shit is perfectly edible and might be eaten at some point.

The choice of how to eat it is what’s more important you see, for though it is well known that shit can simply be eaten with one’s bare unwashed hands, shit can also be eaten properly with a fork and knife. Even with chopsticks, for the more adventurous.

Yes, some sit down to devour the pungent faecal mass with such polished table manners, one would imagine it were a three course meal at a cordon bleu restaurant, with the stinky shit artfully plated on fine china, silverware laid atop folded napkins, steamed hand towels and fine linen tablecloth.

The housemaid is pregnant.  ‘But that’s how men are, they are all like that’.  Resigned acceptance or perhaps aloof indifference.

So, with a knife she cuts into the sizzling shit and guides the fork into her mouth, then washes it down with diarrhoeic champagne bubbling with a most peculiar breed of shame; the sort that another’s embarrassment imposes on one.

‘What would people say?’ To the casual observer, she’s relishing her feast. To herself, with no small measure of compromise, she says Hmm this isn’t half as bad as it appears, in fact it leaves a sweet tangy after-taste if I push it to the back of my throat then swallow quickly without chewing.  An acquired taste of sorts.

Sewing Asooke 1

In defining shit, need anyone be reminded of the fact that it decomposes? When exposed in the open, it breaks down till all that remains is grains of dirt that eventually blend with the earth.

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Wrapped around your little finger

The Urban Dictionary definition of the above expression made me chuckle; A term used when a girl has a guy under her command, means the guy will pretty much follow his girl’s every wish and do whatever she wants.

Sprinkle some Andrews Liver Salt over this expression and voila! it bubbles into the plot of a Nollywood movie.

Scheming Lady puts a love potion in Mr. Man’s food. He becomes pretty much wrapped around her little finger. His Loving Mother becomes suspicious and accuses Scheming Lady, who weepingly confesses. The antidote is found and Mr. Man becomes free (“Remote Control” Parts 1, 2 and 3. Grab your copy now!).

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I quite like the world of Nollywood, where evil is punished and good is rewarded. Where it is either black or white with no middle ground whatsoever, so save your political correctness for the movie about your own life.  Don’t forget to tie your sanctimonious gèlè as movie plots are usually pregnant with moral undertones.

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Made of Black

To me, black is the absence of colour rather than a colour, funny how when it is bound with other words the outcome is rather colourful.

How to sew guipure lace

Here are some symbolisms,

Black Widow: The air was thick with rumours, they whispered that she’d poisoned her five husbands and cut out their hearts to cook pepper-soup with. It didn’t help that the aromatic scent of spicy uziza seeds and utazi leaves always filled the air around her compound moments after they all died.

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Tucking into freshly squeezed Happiness

Happiness is rather relative, it really is a ‘one man’s meat is another man’s poison’ phenomenon.

I believe that the Serenity Prayer provides tips for true happiness- “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“.

One who is unhappy about their “one-pack” could have the courage to change it into six-pack abs with a cleaner diet and exercise. One who is unhappy about their short stature could serenely accept that sometimes the best things do come in small packages.

Blue 1

About six years ago, I wasn’t too happy with my wonky smile, I knew that I could change it and decided to invest in dental braces.  Mind you, I wore braces as an adult, not as a giggly teenager reminiscent of the clichéd DNF (Designated Nerdy Friend) in American high school movies, and mine were the very evident metal type.

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Iro.ny

There’s wisdom in picking your competition shrewdly, my spine bone will testify to this.

I once lived in an Asian country.  I decided that I wanted something to do in the evenings after work, preferably an activity that killed two birds with one stone- entertained me and kept my body fit.  So, I signed up for yoga classes, because I’d always been curious about it. I liked the idea of Yoga, besides, a regular gym was oh! so basic (I love how bourgie that sounds).

African Hair threading

Ok, I’ll confess. The truth is that the treadmill actually looked like a weapon of torture to me. I was quite intimidated by it. How fast would it go? Would I stay on it? Would I fly off it? Many questions that have now been answered since I finally stepped on one 8 months ago.

I still remember my friend’s remarks upon learning that I’d signed up for the classes.

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Finely Chopped Pieces

Go and sin no more, I assure you that the streets of heaven will be paved with hot, fresh-out-of-the-bubbly pan, golden brown, crisp puff-puff.

Ok, I’ll come clean, my actual agenda at weddings is the finger food a.k.a. Small Chops (SC). No Sir, the rice-moinmoin-plantain-coleslaw-and-chicken combo just won’t cut it.  That’s my Sunday Lunch Holy Grail (SLHG) anyway, and I firmly believe that some things should be kept sacred.

Violet

See, I don’t have time for wedding reception waiters who ignore my meaningful stares, my gently raised eyebrows, pregnant with hints, and that subtle cock of my ‘Yellow Sisi’ head towards the (more…)