National Cake

How to steal cake

If you must steal the National Cake, then steal enough.

Do not steal a piece of cake that weighs less than Thirteen Billion Pounds.  I can’t be bothered with the metric conversion to kilograms so pounds will have to do.  Yes, I know we were colonized by the British but I am giving these stealing tips in my newly-acquired American accent, so pounds is quite apt.

Please forgive me for being behind the times, I hear “Stealing is no longer Corruption”.  Perhaps, I should reword my sound advice-  Do not “take” a piece of cake that weighs less than Thirteen Billion Pounds.  Yes Billion, you heard me right. Millions is so mediocre, it even sounds like Minions – funny, right? Always remember that you are special and have nothing in common with the masses, those laughable minions, pitiful slaves of Nine-to-Fives.

Make it worth your while o, anything less than 13,000,000,000 lbs. would be so embarrassing. You mean it crossed your mind to eat less cake simply because you are worried about your expanding waistline? How vain! And you are also worried about dental cavities? How unambitious! Enough of that sanctimonious burst of conscience, go hard or go home!

Look, you must stop thinking of yourself alone, that is so inconsiderate to your unborn generation, your children’s children’s children and the children’s children after them.

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