Profile me Pretty

I was highly amused to discover that there’s all sorts of profiling. Within five minutes of chatting me up, my red pout probably dazzled this bobo and he proceeded to interview me for a role that I wasn’t even aware I’d applied for.

“Are you catholic?” he enquired, amongst other things, I chuckled gently at his forwardness. He wondered why, and I cheekily commended him for having his checklist ready and within reach. He laughed a caught-in-the-act sort of laugh.

Guy Oju

While Religious denomination profiling is one bowl of soaked Ijebu garri with idly floating ground nuts,   Silver spoon profiling is another bowl altogether with milk added. That sly “What does your father do for a living?”

Let’s not forget the more subtle yet so powerful, it really packs a punch, I bet you’ve missed it several times because it seemed so innocent, like nothing more than a polite request. “What is your name?” Yes, this, sometimes, is the grandmother of Tribal profiling.

There is also Mother Nature profiling (Is that your own hair? Do you always wear make-up?), Hustler profiling (Do you know how to “do business”?), Domestic Goddess profiling (Can you cook?), Marlboro profiling (Do you smoke?) and Temperament profiling (Do you get angry easily?).

Ladies and gentlemen, no need for JAMB questions, there’s a fine art to this profiling business, subtlety is key. The trick is to obtain information without appearing like you are actually asking for it because being upfront is oh so mainstream. You must always remember that you are extraordinary, destined for world domination etc.

Pretty Oju

For instance,

A cocky “Ah! Your efo riro will worship my efo riro in food heaven” might arouse a passionate argument from an authentic domestic god/goddess;

A breathy “I looove the rich, full-bodied aroma of coffee, tobacco smoke pales in comparison” and a die-hard chimney might beg to differ;

A casual “You seem so focused and disciplined, your father must be in the army” will most likely flatter the recipient and might produce a confirmation of said father’s actual occupation; and

A pious “Just the other day, an agbero slapped me for no reason and I turned the other cheek” might solve the temperament puzzle. If the response is astonished raised eyebrows, a confident slap of the chest accompanied by a Kai ! If it were me I would have plucked out his eyes, *hint hint*.

Romantic due diligence might as well be conducted with some serenre.  Not so?

Like it or hate it, whether or not your feminism or masculinism fans the fire of your ego causing you to haughtily declare that a propositioners questioning made you feel like a commodity, the truth is that we are not unlike commodities.

“Spousal shopping” is no different from purchasing items, we make mental or written down lists of desired features and attributes because we are entitled to aspire for what we want out of life.  As we mindfully analyse the opportunity cost of our choice of man or woman, the concept of demand vs. supply still applies.

So, whether we get exactly what we want or realise half-way that compromise has to be made or come full circle in the epiphany that what we thought we wanted wasn’t what we really needed, Life remains a market place.

Sign

 

 

 

 

PS: The mental image of my mother balancing a tray on her head with me splayed across said tray dressed in all my finery, just flashed before my eyes. 😀

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87 comments

  1. No one can write it the way Nedoux does. You just have this way of putting things that makes one just keep nodding while reading. Or laughing! I have been interrogated via all the above mentioned channels and honestly, there are many times I just do the “look over the rim of my glasses – roll eyes – flip hair – wave a cheery goodbye” move. I cannot come and go and kill myself away and die biko.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading this, funny how even the most trivial experiences have a way of inspiring words and stories.

      Lol @ “Interrogated”, Yes, it sometimes feels like facing an inquisition panel.

      That look over the rim of glasses is bound to deliver a strong “no nonsense” message. 😀

      Warm regards.

      Like

  2. This was so funny and I loved it sooo much!!! Wow, to me your creative mind works like that technical thing clocks do. They tick on the outside but inside, there’s just so many machines moving. That’s so awesome. The different profilings. Haha.

    Some are even blunt and rude when asking for where I ‘hail’ from whereas some just speak igbo and out of their wonderful mind expect me to somewhat be Harry Pottress and understand what they’re saying. When I look confused or raise an eyebrow, they go like:

    “What’s your name?’ as if it’s a fight

    “Itunu”

    “Itunu?’

    Let’s wait for it guys…

    “Wow, you don’t look like an ‘itunu’ you look like chidinma or one igbo name like that.

    Just smile and say…”I get that a lot.”

    “So both parents are yoruba?”

    “Yup.”

    “As in Yoruba?”

    Sigh…How ‘yoruba’ can someone get? Is it till when I start wearing iro and buba and ileke you’ll begin to see how ‘yorubatic’ someone can be?

    And sometimes you just help them out with the predicatable.

    “Oh hi, yes I look igbo abi. Yea, I know.” Smiles. “I get that a lot.” Thank you, ta-ta for now.

    It is well 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Itunu,

      Thank you so much for your kind words, means a lot to me.

      Lol @ “as if it’s fight” . Honestly, rude questioning just makes it seem like a fierce interrogation battle, sometimes it’s actually more amusing than annoying.

      Your comment cracked me up, what shall we call this profiling? “Facial Profiling” sounds befitting. Some even go the extra mile to use one’s face to deduce their personality e.g.- Ah, you look like a quiet person. 😀

      Best wishes and blessings this week!

      Like

  3. This made me laugh! Especially since I can relate to so many of these questions 😂 the only difference is that in Pakistan it won’t be the boy asking, it’ll be his mother! 😂

    Like

    1. Hi Maureen,

      I’m sincerely sorry for not replying sooner, I lost track.

      Lol.. But you know how these things typically go.

      What’s your name?

      *Maureen

      *Hmmm, that’s a beautiful name (Pause) So what’s your Nigerian name?

      *I don’t have one, isn’t one name enough?

      *(Awkward laugh) So where are you from?

      Die-hard profilers never give up. 🙂

      Thank you for reading, enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi, Nedoux. Been a while. Just trying to catch up and waka pass but this post sucked me in. I should have remembered that your words no dey gree person ‘waka-pass’.
    I’m married but I get this profiling all the time at work. It can be annoying but I try to take it in stride.
    First, patients peep into my consulting room, sight my younger-than-my-age looking face and physique and conclude I must be a corper! Me, mother of 2 who is no longer eligible for NYSC! Most times, they seek out another doctor. Sometimes, they are left with no choice.
    If they manage to enter, the direct questions start to bullet out of their barrels, ‘How old are you? Where are you from? When did you graduate? Where did you finish from?’
    I usually answer though, conversationally and they often leave satisfied am not an air-head (I hope?). And this happens every. Single. Day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Lady,

      I’m sincerely sorry for not replying sooner, I approved your comment and somehow got caught up. Yes, it’s been quite a while since you put up a new post on your blog.

      Lol @ “waka pass” Thank you so much for ‘showing face’ o.

      So, you are one of those hot yummy mummies who look forever youthful. I’m so inspired and hope that I can look that way after having kids too.

      “When did you graduate?” cracked me up. People like to form opinions based on profiling done at face value alone. I can only imagine the amount of patience that you muster daily to answer them pleasantly, without visibly rolling your eyes. 😀

      Best wishes for the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so late to the party! Subscribing now. ‘I cannot come and carry last’. I’m so happy I’m actually finding blogs I really like. Well done N.

    Profiling has to be done oh. Lol. But I’m all for subtlety. Those straight forward questions are quite annoying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kachee,

      Welcome to the party! Have a piece of chocolate cake. 🙂

      Indeed it has to be done but with some finesse and tact, at least. Quite annoying sometimes, especially it starts to feel intrusive.

      Thank you for subbing. Have a great week.

      Like

    1. Hi Osemhen,

      Thank you for stopping by, I’m glad that you did. 🙂

      Lol… To be honest, I listed ‘Genotype profiling’ in the very first draft of this post but later made the decision to exclude it though I have experienced it.

      Within ten minutes of being captivated by one’s warm smile, one is asked by the captive- “So, what’s your genotype?” While I realise and sincerely appreciate the deeper implications of this enquiry, the hilarity is to tactlessly ask such a sensitive question within the first hour of meeting a seemingly nice-looking person.

      When it happened to me, I guessed that his genotype might be AS and he didn’t want to “invest” his day-one time where it wouldn’t yield “returns”.

      Have a lovely rest-of-the-week.

      Like

  6. Hi Nedu!
    Your blog is such a mind-exercising, fun page and i love it!

    About this profiling thing, i’m somewhat guilty of it. It’s usually age-profiling that i do, especially with potential-boos (shrinks..), it seems to help me ‘place’ people in my head, something like that..

    Also, thanks for dropping by my blog, i really appreciate it.

    SkyNotFancy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sky,

      Thank you so much, I am so glad that you came by.

      Lol… Ah! I do know what you mean by “placing” with regards to Age Profiling. I find that it works differently in relation to both genders.

      When a man is asked for his age, the lady wants to gauge either his mental maturity or his financial maturity. Based on societal yardsticks, it is expected that a man of a certain age would have achieved certain milestones.

      On the other hand when a woman is asked her age, it is either for the purpose of confirming that she is legal or gauging how far gone her biological clock might be. 😀

      Best wishes for the rest of the week!

      Like

  7. Nedu, how are you? Now. Moving On. I want to know the outcome with this dude, did you give him your number, will you see him again? Nosy & Enquiring Minds Want To Know. This article was funny and so on point, Domestic Goddess Profiling gets on my last nerves!! And the thing is I like to cook, its not in my blood like it is in my ma’s but I enjoy it but when guys ask me this question, I am immediately thrown in a court scene where I am behind the pulpit and he is the judge about to bash his mallet down screaming, ‘Guilty! Bad Homemaker, Sentence her to….’
    And I’m with you both men and women should think of more subtle ways to get the answers to their questions!
    Have a good week hon! ( :

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Biki,

      I am fine, thank you so much for asking. I trust that you are doing well too.

      Lol… You like gist o. Well, I pretty much slid his file onto the friend-zone shelf after that first conversation. I may or may not have been doing some subtle, question-less profiling of my own during that encounter. 😀

      Ah! I laughed so hard at ” ‘Guilty! Bad Homemaker, Sentence her to….’” I know exactly what you mean! Some questions sound quite judgmental, one almost feels like they are walking into quick sand when they produce answers.

      I enjoyed reading your comment. Warm wishes for the rest of the week!

      Like

  8. You have quite a weird mind. And a weird pen. And beautifully weird way with words. I love it. I love you! Kai!

    Lol “malboro profiling”! Who would have thought?!

    And then you make real life issues/truths seem so light. How?

    I totally agree, “the concept of demand vs. supply still applies”.

    Bless you Nedoux.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Flo,

      I sincerely appreciate your kind words, your comments always boost my self-esteem. 😄

      Indeed, when “buyers” and “sellers” mingle, it applies.

      Bless you too!

      Warm regards.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Adaeze,

      Lol… You are being very modest, the way your mind spins all those interesting tales would leave most people dizzy. Thank you so much. 🙂

      Indeed, it is. We are either buying or selling something.

      Have a great week.

      Like

    1. Hi Larz,

      Thank you for the kind compliment. Funny how ordinary situations give us food for thought, we might as well “chop belleful”. 😀

      Have a beautiful week.

      Like

  9. Oooooshey!!!!!!! I’m so late to the parry, this menu prepared before me here is xxx large o.
    Profiling is just an ingrain born trait that all of us especially many of the female specie has in over abundance.

    Seriously most comments above has said whatever I had in mind. Whatever degree of profiling we engage it, let there be element of truth and etiquette. Most times we profile wrong until you you get to know the person on a personal level.

    For me I find it rude when guys goes on rampage profiling ladies up and down the street.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Immanuel,

      Welcome, here’s a cool glass of Ribena. 🙂

      You’ve put it so beautifully, I love the sound of “Profiling Etiquette”, it summarises the entire post very nicely.

      Lol @ “rampage”. I agree with you, sometimes first impressions are not always accurate and we can only get the correct information about a person when we take time to know them well.

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Have a super week.

      Like

  10. This was a lovely witty read.
    I think being subtle is very good but being direct sometimes helps send some sly folks on their merry way or at least exposes the tremor in their voices. I guess finding the perfect balance is key.
    Really love your style of writing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Chioma,

      Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words.

      Lol @ “tremor in their voices”. You’ve raised a valid point, our intuition immediately alerts us to separate the wheat from the chaff using direct methods.

      Indeed, balance is necessary. There are times when one can just see through a “funny” person, best to quickly send them on their merry way as nicely as possible. 😀

      Have a lovely week.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Wow. The way you captured all the elements. Wow. See how all the women folk are relating. Lol. I have to admit, women are much more subtle at this than men. I now remember a conversation I had with someone not long ago and I now feel like I may have come across like I was interrogating her. Smh…

    Like

    1. Hi Tokunbo,

      Lol… I was really looking forward to seeing a man’s perspective, thank you so much for sharing your experience. We live, we learn. 😀

      Women aren’t always subtle though, especially those on a die-hard “TDHR” mission (Tall, Dark, Handsome & Rich).

      Have a great weekend.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. heheheheheheheheh Nor be small “Mother Nature” Profiling oh! hehehe That had me shaaa… Truth is Nne.. We are all Ordinary people looking for Gold.. To me yeah.. Life is More like the California Gold rush on a Daily basis. Sadly.. Many of us have time and time again held huge chunks of Gold covered by mud.. But due to our “No MUD” Checklist abi na Policy.. We have thrown that away.. Hence losing that which we so dearly sought after.

    As always Nne.. this was a Ghen ghen post of Destiny! Thanks for sharing!

    Neeeeeedddddddduu!!! baDDest Writer ever liveth! Kai! I missed you sha 😦

    P.S: Life is indeed a market place.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Duru,

      Lol @ “No Mud policy” I love your point of view. Indeed, if we are patient to check, we might see gold within the mud. Best not to judge a book by its cover.

      Yes, we all looking for gold, everyone wants the best for themselves hence the CIA investigation. 😀

      Thank you so much for stopping by, have a nice weekend!

      Like

    1. Hi,

      Lol… It cracked me up too. Knowing my mother, she won’t give any discounts, in fact she’ll even convince the “buyers” to pay a premium price. 😀

      Thank you for stopping by, have a nice weekend.

      Like

    1. Hi Ijenna,

      Thank you so much!

      Lol… When the time comes, I trust that you’ll be subtle about getting to know the lucky fellow. 😀

      Have a wonderful weekend.

      Like

  13. Omg! I feel like have been asked every single one of those questions! and more.
    I always just answer while wondering why he’s asking,with the right person I love a good conversation regardless of motives.

    Totally Relatable

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tonye,

      Lol @ “and more”. I suppose we’ve all played the profiling game or been played at some point or the other.

      Me too, I enjoy relaxed conversations. The process of getting to know someone should flow naturally.

      Thank you for reading, have a lovely weekend. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. LOOOOL! JAMB questions indeed oh!

    Are you the firstborn? The way you act…
    Sigh…

    Subtlety is key, you’re right. I always warm up to those who have mastered this profiling game. Ain’t beans. Tis an art on its own. 🙂

    How’re you doing, darl? :*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi lady!

      I’m fine, thank you. I trust you had an enjoyable Easter.

      Lol @ first born. There’s also “Are you the last born? You are playful” Let’s call this ‘Family position profiling’ 😀

      Thank you for reading, have a lovely weekend.

      Like

  15. Nedu! Nwanne’m nwanyi.. I really like this piece.

    Lol @ spousal shopping and the concept of demand and supply. Reading that made me remember the cover image of Ekene Onu’s “The Mrs Club.”

    High demand and full price for women in early 20s. 50% off-season sale for mid to late 20s and clearance sales (name your price) for thirties.

    @ profiling
    With a name like mine, tribal profiling may not work. I usually get outright questions about my background. Then the domestic goddess profiling once they know.

    *sigh*

    Calabar girl problems.. haha

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I can’t help laughing at scenes in my head to match the Calabar girl problems.
      Don’t blame me sha, put the blame on the original profiler who invented the profiling machine that created that actual profile of Calabar girls.

      So many profile above; yeah this profiling thing is not meant to be easy.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Hello Rosemary,

      Thank you dear, I’m so glad you liked it.

      I read an excerpt from Ekene’s book a few years ago. Lol @ clearance sales, Ah! but the experts suggest that “Fine wine gets better with age”.

      “Calabar girl problems” cracked me up. Hahaha!

      Funny, how Tribal profiling is characterised by stereotypes. Calabar girls are considered well-schooled in the art of romance, Igbo girls- Money loving, Hausa girls- Demure, Yoruba girls- Sharp mouthed, Benin girls- Street wise etc. Can the colour of one be the collective colour of all? 😀

      Best wishes for the rest of the week.

      Like

  16. Lol….i had a good laugh reading the write up and the comments!!!indeed,it’s amusing when I can directly tell you’re trying to “profile” me and I choose to tell you what you’d like to hear!!….it should always be a process of time-getting to know someone,same way looks OR calculated answers can be deceptive!…lovely write up missy.😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi dear,

      Lol… I find it amusing because it’s usually so obvious.

      Exactly! One could decide to beat the profilers at their game by deliberately giving them the sort of answers that sound like music to their ears. 😀

      I agree with you, it should be a natural process of getting-to-know, otherwise those seeking for express info might receive express scamming.

      Thank you so much for stopping by, best wishes for the rest of the week.

      Like

    1. Hi Berry,

      Lol… the getting-to-know-you’s can be delightful when done with some finesse, otherwise it escalates into an interrogation session.

      I like how you related profiling to non-romantic instances. Recently, while introducing myself to a new acquaintance, after giving my name, this person said almost condescendingly “That’s very Ibo-ish”

      I’m not even sure what bucket of profiling to place that in, perhaps “Native name Profiling” ? 😀

      Thank you for reading, have a great rest-of-the-week.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Timi ! 😄

      In these parts, 8 out of 10 times, the response would be “That’s a nice name, but what is your traditional name?” and if you say I have none, they’ll ask bluntly “So, where are you from?”

      Come to think of it, a foreign sounding name might appeal to the vanity of those obsessed with all things imported. Sometimes I’m asked “So what is your English name?” after providing my name. ‘Foreign Profiling‘ of sorts. Lol

      Thank you for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I laughed so hard!
    You have a gift, a knack for bringing humour to paper/phone and computer screens. Not many people can do it with the ease you do.
    You had me nodding as I read every line, you’re right… about everything.
    That last paragraph! It will stay in my mind for a long time and it will always make me laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Adaeze,

      Lol… You know how these things go, while busily minding our own business, humour wipes its feet on our door mats, what else is there to do but open the door and let ourselves be amused?

      Thank you so much for always reading, I sincerely appreciate it. 🙂

      Enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 2 people

  18. I hope your mother wasn’t chanting ‘onye ga ego’ while doing the hawking? You won’t kill me with laughter this girl. These days, the men are no longer subtle in their cross-examination, nor do some of them have any finesse. It reminds me of my young cousin who came home once from an outing blustering in annoyance over a dude who harassed her for info and when she refused to supply the answers, he became foul-mouthed. Odiegwu. Life na real market.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jackie,

      Hahaha! Knowing my mother, the tray would probably have a neon sign affixed to it flashing the “onye ga ego”, so she can give her undivided attention to what the “buyers” have to say to me. 😀

      Lol @ “cross examination”. Ezi okwu, wooing should be done with some finesse. It starts to seem like harassment some times.

      Thank you so much for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Game of Profiling!
    Hahahaha
    Laughed as i read , also remembering the kind I’ve done myself. Yes, the men alone aren’t guilty . New colleagues, classmates, neighbours etc all play the game or get played on.

    Fine delivery as always wordsmith.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tamie,

      Yes, it is a game. 😀

      Ah! Women are even more skilful at it, we use our natural “shakara” tactics to play our cards.

      Thank you for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Hehehehe. 😊😀😁😂😃😄😅😆😉😬. “Spousal shopping” is no different from purchasing items, we make mental or written down lists of desired features and attributes because we are entitled to aspire for what we want out of life”
    Precisely. Life is a marketplace. And whatever your characteristics, you are enough for someone somewhere. I like your suggestions for stylish asking though. I tend to be a lot more direct, personally.
    And your mother hawking you? I love that image! Were you stylishly placed? Was there the barest hint of red nail polish peeking through your shoes? Were you hidden by a gossamer thin fan splayed out to cover your face? Details enhance the story, Nedoux. Gimme more details!
    But for now, I’ll just keep laughing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi,

      I love the way you put this. Indeed, regardless of one’s characteristics, they are someone else’s prayed-for specifications, sufficient just as they are.

      Lol @ “red nail polish” Uju, you know me too well. 😄

      Ah! With red lips (naturally), short unpolished fingernails to give the illusion of domestic capabilities, threaded hair to give the impression of low maintenance/ affordability, doused liberally in my mother’s perfume so that propositioners can marinate in my essence.

      Plus the requisite serene smile affixed to my face. The gossamer-thin fan will come in handy to demurely cover my mouth whilst yawning at any boring questions.

      Thank you for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi,

      Yes, economic laws would govern marketplace activities and when demand exceeds supply, people naturally gravitate towards available substitutes. 😀

      Thank you for stopping by, enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jodi-Kay,

      Thank you so much for stopping by, I sincerely love the points that you raised in your comment.

      Lol… Yes, right smack in the middle of what should be normal conversation is an interrogation session that even the FBI would be proud of. While I understand the purpose, sometimes the presumptuous manner in which its conducted amuses me.

      You are correct, we like to be sure that something is good enough for us. 🙂

      Have a fabulous rest-of-the-week.

      Like

  21. LOL! Love this. Funny, witty and on point (as always)

    Some people need to chill. Sometimes I get some questions and in my mind I’m thinking “Objection. Relevance?”

    Don’t ask a girl about her cooking if you have not even been invited to her house. How about getting to know someone first? Smh. And the funny thing is that, people don’t know how transparent they are with the questions.

    Plot twist: that person being profiled can tell you what you want to hear, if they’re ready to shop too. Who then, is the smart one?

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Hi Ekene,

      You aptly summed up the message that I was trying to convey- “How about getting to know someone first?”. With the natural progression of time, some of the questions will even be answered non-verbally, via simple observation.

      Lol @ “They can tell you what exactly want to hear” Indeed, the market place has shrewd buyers who sometimes camouflage as sellers. 😄

      Thank you so much for stopping by, I love comments that leave me with another angle to ponder.

      Enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 3 people

  22. Miss N, as usual, I love it so. 👏🏾👏🏾 Your keen observations on the weird nuances of life, specifically the profiling we all endure (but slyly engage in, because we’re women and largely born with the powers of subtlety), is right on. Sometimes I’m profiled with the subtlety of an elephant and I can’t help but laugh. I love elephants. 😉 Great read!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Lady!

      Thank you so much.

      I agree, women are born with the powers of subtlety, coyness is the umbilical cord that connects us to our mothers. We’ll be busy slyly batting our eyelashes and crossing the heck out of that checklist. 😀

      Lol @ “subtlety of an elephant.”

      Enjoy the rest of the week.

      Liked by 5 people

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